It was quiet. Too quiet.
Something sparkled on the desk in the corner. Something beautiful. Mysterious. She reached out her hand – desperate to be near it, to touch it, to feel its soft, supple form.
It was a sandwich.
But it was so much more than a sandwich. Two perfect pieces of granulated bread, smothering a delicious- ly moist chicken breast, lathered in cranberry sauce and sprinkled with stuffing.
‘Eat me’, it said, grinning. It knew how enticing it was. She picked it up and felt the weight of it in her hands, sniffed the wholesome aroma, gazed into its oozing soul.
CRUNCH. She took a huge bite. Oh, mama. That was the stuff. She awoke with a start, soaked in a pool of her own drool. Shit.
‘You’re late’.
Her boss was on her like beans on toast. Shame he never came with cheese.
‘Come in, quick’.
She peered into the meeting room. There were at least ten pink faced, pompous clients sitting around the large table. Or were they sausages? They’d go great with a freshly baked roll and some ketchup.
‘Can I just nip to the shop to get some break-’ ‘No’.
He pulled her inside.
The meeting was interminable. She’d been preparing for it the previous night and didn’t get around to eating. The clock ticked. Three hours, twelve minutes and forty-two seconds until lunch. Forty-one. Forty. What was she going to get? Probably some kind of sandwich...
‘We should be able to have some buff cucumbers by Thursday. Right?’ Her boss was staring at her.
‘What?’
‘I said, we should be able to have some rough numbers by Thursday. Right?’
She opened her mouth to answer, but the noise came from another source. Her stomach.
The clients tittered.
Her boss pulled her aside at the end of the meeting. ‘I don’t know what you think you’re pulling-’
‘Pork’
‘What?’
‘Nothing’.
‘Get it together. We need lunch for the team, pronto.’
Fuming, she escaped the office and dashed across the road, avoiding the speeding cars. They wouldn’t hurt her if she got hit. They were made of jelly.
One beeped at her.
‘I’ll eat you’, she mouthed.
She arrived at the shop and picked out some sandwiches. Classic combos. Cheese and pickle, ham and cheese, tuna and sweetcorn. She sniffed the ham and cheese. Mmmm.
‘What are you doing?’
A couple stared at her. One was wearing a yellow hat. The other, pink. Why was she sniffing them? She was nowhere near the sandwich aisle!
She bought a dozen sandwiches and raced out of the shop, grabbing one and tearing at the wrapping with more vigour than a child on Christmas. She drew it close to her mouth, the scent entering her nose...
RING RING.
One of her senses was working, but it wasn’t smell. Or taste. What was it? Oh, right, sound. That thing that she had no use for right now. Oh shit, her boss was calling.
‘Hello, sandwich? I mean - ’
‘Hurry up and get back. Food’s important for clients. Happy tummies make happy clients. Capeesh?’
Her and her unhappy tummy sprinted back to the office and delivered the sandwiches to the sausages. Some of them chose ham. Cannibals.
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She arranged one neatly on a plate with some crisps for her boss, and entered his office. He was nowhere to be seen. She left it on the desk and backed away slowly. A sacred offering.
The ravenous woman returned to the kitchen, excited and ready to feast. But no food was there. Mere sandwich packets lay before her, emptier than her stomach. How could this be? She’d bought more than enough. Some of the clients must have stolen seconds - they seemed the type. Basic, stingy, own brand sausages.
The food was gone, and thus, was her patience. She sneaked back into her boss’s office and crouched down low, her butt in the air like a wild lioness hunting its prey. The sandwich sparkled on the desk. An easy catch.
She approached slowly and held it in her paws. Opened her mouth nice and wide... ‘What the fuck are you doing?’
Her boss was behind her. Had he been waiting all along?
‘That’s my sandwich, you pig’.
He snatched it and scoffed it in one bite.
He began to speak – his dirty, rotten teeth gnash, gnash, gnashing away, his lips smack, smack, smacking against them. She closed her eyes and wished it would stop. She wasn’t a pig. She was a lioness.
PING!
She opened her eyes.
A gigantic sandwich was standing before her.
But it was so much more than a sandwich. Two perfect pieces of granulated bread, smothering deliciously moist slices of chicken, lathered in cranberry sauce and sprinkled with stuffing.
‘Eat me’, it said, grinning. It knew how enticing it was. She picked it up and felt the weight of it in her hands, sniffed the wholesome aroma, gazed into its oozing soul.
CRUNCH. She took a huge bite.
Oh mama. That was the stuff.
The HR department rushed in, but it was too late. He was already missing an ear.
